The dictionary defines dissension as "difference in sentiment or opinion; disagreement". We all encounter dissension in our lives. It can be as close to home as with your significant other, children, parents, friends or neighbors. It can also appear within your religious community, your recreational community or your governmental community. But we have to face the fact that dissension is all around us, whether we like it or not.
What I would like to explore today is how we deal with this dissension in our lives. Many of us run. We run as far away as possible and hide our heads in the proverbial sand. Yet, if we are truthful, this gets us nowhere. We stuff it inside yet it always pops up somewhere. Have you ever been driving down the road and someone cuts you off and suddenly from your mouth comes a string of expletives with a vehemence you didn't even know you were capable of? Was it really that particular incidence or the dissension between you and your boss? (I know, some of you routinely cuss out people on the road, YOU are not whom I am talking about.) Or maybe you find yourself screaming like a banshee at your son because he didn't get a ride home and you had to pick him up interrupting YOUR nap and totally messing up your afternoon? (okay, you guessed it, this is me) Was it really your son or the dissension between you and your money situation? You get the picture. We trick ourselves into thinking we are dealing with it by ignoring it, but in actuality, we are not dealing with it at all.
Then there are those of us who deal with dissension in private. You know who you are. We write anonymous letters, or use email to vent our pain and frustration. Or worse even, talk about the person with other people? Yet, in person we are all sweet and innocent. This seems to me to be a dishonest way to deal. For once again, are you really solving anything? Usually in the privacy and anonymity the computer gives us we are free to be as ugly and threatening as we want to be. This is the opposite from above, yet is it the answer? Are we truly dealing with the dissension by threatening and condemning the dissenter?
That leads us to the vocal, up-front, let's get this all out in the open people. We like to pin people down and MAKE them listen to us. We don't care who is around, or who we might hurt in the process, we just want it all out in the open to make people DEAL! We are the ones in the family who, at the dinner table, will bring up any dissension and begin a discussion. Well, we think we are "discussing", but if we stop and think about it, we are talking and others are either crying, leaving the room or boiling inside. So again, we come to the question, is this truly dealing with the dissension?
If we are truthful with ourselves, there is a little of all these in each of us depending on the scenario and the setting. So what is the best way? And who died and made you, KaKi, the know-it-all. First let me begin by saying I don't know it all. I am learning as all of us are. But getting a front row seat to much dissension in my life, I think I have learned some things. So, if you would like to keep reading, I will share them with you here, today.
I have found that when we are truly ready to address the dissension in our life, that we have to be ready to give up control of the outcome. We cannot go into a discussion "knowing" the right way to solve it. So we must be open. Our goal must be to share our truth. What does that mean? To share our emotions, our feelings, our experience. This part is a bit easier than the second part. We must also go into the process ready to listen and more importantly HEAR the other side. We need to hear how their feelings, emotions and experiences are shaping their view in this issue.
Then what? Well, what I have found is that we must be open to the possibility that we will just continue to disagree. ARRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!! This is the part that I cannot stand. I don't want anyone to disagree with me, I want them to agree with me. Can we really peacefully disagree and still love each other? How can it be so? So I go back to the dictionary and here is what I find, the definition for peace "cessation of or freedom from any strife or dissension". And then the definition of tolerate "to allow the existence, presence, practice, or act of without prohibition or hindrance". So what does this mean? I have the power to allow the existence of dissension in my relationships without being a slave to it. I can allow its existence and be free from its hold all at the same time. But I can't do this unless I honestly address the dissension. So I have to have an open dialogue with the person with whom I disagree.
In our personal relationships this is possible, not easy, but possible. But there are times when we are not able to sit down and discuss our opposition. What then? We find ways to "voice" our opposition, through letters to the editor, letters to our congress, vigils, protests, marches, etc. And we seek to find ways to "hear" our opposition. We focus our energies not on demonizing our opposition, but on freeing ourselves from the bondage of dissension. Sometimes, it means a decision is made that we disagree with, but the majority agrees with. And we have to find a way to live in peace with it. And sometimes we have to keep working to be the change we want to see. The wise among us know when to fight for their convictions and when to make peace. May we all be wise.
